You Foul, Foul Man

You managed to stink up the computer lab during my class, a class that you already took twice before and really didn't need to take again. By your own admission, you didn't learn anything new. Then you managed to stink up the study room you used after the class to the point where no one else can use it until it has been properly fumigated. Others are canceling their reservations! I can barely approach the public printer, because the cloud of stench you left there while waiting for your printouts is still hovering around it like a swarm of gnats by a lake. Every time you walk by to get a drink of water, a cloud of foulness follows in your wake.

For the love of Dewey, please don't stop and talk to me about your genealogy research or complain about the pencil you found on the floor (and how someone might slip on said pencil and injure themselves and the world would come to a horrific end) or how the Internet changes too quickly or any other thing that I couldn't care less about, as next time I just might pass out from your funk.

And really, it doesn't help that every time you put your right foot down, your shoe farts.

Surprise Presents

Found in a book sent to us from a university library to fill an interlibrary loan request:

• One checkout slip from a patron who checked out the book at the university library.
• One receipt from a fast food restaurant.
• One trial-size package of Dove conditioner with Weightless Moisturizers(TM) for softer, smoother, more naturally vibrant hair.

Wait Until You Get to the Bathroom Like Everyone Else

One of my coworkers just discovered a teen patron spanking the monkey while looking at porn in the computer lab among 13 other patrons. Lovely. When confronted, he cried like a baby.

The Printer-Paper Connection

What is it with the people who tell you, usually just by shouting the single word "paper" at your back, that the printer needs more paper, but then stand directly in front of the printer so that you cannot open the paper drawer and insert the stack of paper without asking them to move? Do they think the paper will magically teleport into the printer? That it will disappear from your hands and the print jobs will start coming out?

If only! I would love it if I could just mentally will the paper into the printer from the shelf upon which it is stored. How nice would that be when you're on the phone with a patron and you've got another patron at the printer shouting at you that it's out of paper and demanding immediate service? It would be sweet.

I would like to give the printer blockers the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps, just maybe, they think the paper doesn't go into the front of the printer, but the back or side. But these people are invariably the ones who have made sure the printer is out of paper by pulling out the paper drawer.

I Didn't Need to Know That

He calls up to book a time next week to use one of the library's study rooms, then informs me that he might be a little late because he'll be coming over directly from his anger management session.

User Error

I realize that you don't want to print more than 6 pages, but if you type "6" into the page range section of the Print dialog box and there are only 4 pages total in the print job, nothing will print. Yes, I realize you think you've done it that way "for the last 10 years" and I'm full of crap, but I selected "all" for the page range and it printed just fine. No, I'm not going to try it your way to prove you're right, because I just watched you do it your way and It. Didn't. Work. That's why you asked for my help, lady!

Go Away!

This is a 32,000 square foot facility. Why can't you two flies find someplace other than the reference desk to buzz about? Try the music audiocassette section, where you won't bother anyone.

A Lack of Understanding

This is a new one: I was just asked how to obtain a paper copy of an online video. You know, a way to print out all of the pictures and the voices, so I can enjoy it at home?

Okay, so very occasionally there is a link to a transcript, but...

"Are You Oriental?"

A guy walked by the reference desk on his way out of the building...

Guy: Are you Oriental?

Me: Ah, no I'm not. [I'm most definitely a white chick.]

Guy: Oh...well, you look nice anyway.

Me: Um, thanks. Have a nice day.

Guy: Thanks, bye.

The guy headed up the stairs and left. The girl over at the Internet station next to the desk was trying not to laugh. Then an Asian guy (yes, he's actually Asian) who was working at one of our other computers nearby came up and asked me if he had overheard that correctly. Yes, yes he did.

One coworker thinks that perhaps he was trying a (very bad) pickup line on me. Ew.